..finding a new blog and going down to their first ever post to see how they begun. It is fun to start from the begining just like reading a story or reading a book from cover to cover. Hey it just struck me..all you wonderful blogs out there are actually stories, real ones! wow! I like! like! like!
P.S: Can you see how random this post was...I just typed what was on my mind! I guess I am getting some of this blogging thing slowly. Actually I also wrote it just to push my previous depressing post down the list...dosent look good sitting there...the first thing to read in my lil place of happiness
Nov 12, 2010
Nov 10, 2010
Spiralling downwards..
I always wanted to this blog to be a happy place...a place where i would try and write about all things that make me happy, things that would bring a smile to my lips. Words I would want to read over and over again just to remind myself of the feeling of happiness.
But who was I trying to fool? I guess myself.
I have always tried to be a sweet girl and portray an image of goodness for as long as I can remember. I have always let some people go ahead of me at the check out counter in the grocery store. I have always spoken kind words and tried not to hurt anyone. In my mind it is etched that you have to speak kind words, do good deeds. But somewhere along the line it has also translated to being loved. I now believe that I will only be loved if I am good. Good grades equals love from parents, thoughtful gifts equal love from friends and family, sharing homework equals friends at school, sharing work assignments equals friends at work. I know I am wrong, but why cant I get myself to believe that I am wrong? Is it because my mind is stronger than my heart or my heart is stronger than my mind?
Looking back I have done things mostly only to please someone, not really knowing if it pleased me. It has been going on for so long that I now no longer know what pleases me...what remains is only a deep rooted fear of rejection. I have had a fairly normal life by most people's standards but still there are ghosts out there in my world whom I cannot face or even understand. As i write this I know I am babbling, making incoherent sentences. But what is in my thoughts is very real..there is that something I cant definitely point out to but something that makes me fear rejection and disapproval so much. That is what makes me cry to sleep every night but I cant tell anyone why I am sad because I don't know myself. When I now look at most of what I have done, I don't see myself as a good natured individual. I only see a selfish and self centered person who did all of it just to be loved in return. It sometimes makes me want just be selfish and jealous instead of masking it behind goodness and kindness.
Does this make sense to anyone or am I a just a basket case? do you also sometimes like me, feel that all that happens between relations stems out of personal fulfillment?
But who was I trying to fool? I guess myself.
I have always tried to be a sweet girl and portray an image of goodness for as long as I can remember. I have always let some people go ahead of me at the check out counter in the grocery store. I have always spoken kind words and tried not to hurt anyone. In my mind it is etched that you have to speak kind words, do good deeds. But somewhere along the line it has also translated to being loved. I now believe that I will only be loved if I am good. Good grades equals love from parents, thoughtful gifts equal love from friends and family, sharing homework equals friends at school, sharing work assignments equals friends at work. I know I am wrong, but why cant I get myself to believe that I am wrong? Is it because my mind is stronger than my heart or my heart is stronger than my mind?
Looking back I have done things mostly only to please someone, not really knowing if it pleased me. It has been going on for so long that I now no longer know what pleases me...what remains is only a deep rooted fear of rejection. I have had a fairly normal life by most people's standards but still there are ghosts out there in my world whom I cannot face or even understand. As i write this I know I am babbling, making incoherent sentences. But what is in my thoughts is very real..there is that something I cant definitely point out to but something that makes me fear rejection and disapproval so much. That is what makes me cry to sleep every night but I cant tell anyone why I am sad because I don't know myself. When I now look at most of what I have done, I don't see myself as a good natured individual. I only see a selfish and self centered person who did all of it just to be loved in return. It sometimes makes me want just be selfish and jealous instead of masking it behind goodness and kindness.
Does this make sense to anyone or am I a just a basket case? do you also sometimes like me, feel that all that happens between relations stems out of personal fulfillment?
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